Sometimes I feel like my life is still falling apart even as things are looking up, at least for now. It’s a kind of lingering hangover from the dark days following last year’s surgeries on my back and foot.
I’ve been working every day since the school break ended. Missing the first 9 days of the month due to no classes has stung, but next month looks good. It will be awhile at this rate before I’m caught up on all my debts, but I’m on a good path.
This is in stark contrast to the past couple of years, a series of traumas and abandonments. Dad dying followed by a sequence of catastrophes, both financial, social, familial, and medical took me down to a very low point. In some ways, I’m doing so much better now than I imagined just a few moths ago.
However, I’ve been paranoid about what could go wrong. There are so many things that could put me back, ranging from another health crisis, an accident, or other things.
Even as things are getting better, I find myself often feeling the feeling that I’m not doing so well, even as things are better. I’ve been thinking more about how I’m going to move from merely existing to living. I’m getting to an age where I need to do something to secure my financial future for whatever is left of my life.
I felt as though I was completely abandoned by everyone, friends nad family. People I expected to be there for me, at least for some kind of emotional support, faded away. Some of those who faded away were people I did not expect. I had people I expected to be friendly to turn on me for my talkativity, online at least, and attack me for not having money. With some people, I feel like they think that having money is some sort of a blessing for those who are worthy. There is that old saying/joke “if you’re so smart why aren’t you rich”? But what is getting rich about except finding some way to have people give you money for whatever reasons may or may not exist.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what my future is to be. Until June, I’ll be teaching. Then there is the summer, and if I can find some teaching gigs, great, but that may not be the way to plan just yet. I’m not giving up on summer teaching, it’s just I’m hearing it’s much rarer than over the rest of the year.
I’ve been working on my graphic and video production skills, and one option is to go into video production, either doing other people’s work or, preferably, my own. I have had some experience in setting up crowdsourcing options, so setting up project-patrion campaigns, as well as specific kickstarter.com accounts, might get me trough the summer.
I’m considering taking the spring break week in April to do a bunch of video production, as well as set the stage for summer video production.
The fall and next school year could be quite productive for me as Im getting a reputation as a good substitute teacher and perhaps I could become a “super sub”, being paid every day and at a higher rate as well.
There’s a lot for me to plan, and do, and hope things don’t fall apart again.